Friday, 22 July 2011


So lately, it has been realy hard to be inside my head. I had a brilliant time in the past four or five days and all of a sudden gone on a big downer again. I get down about a number of things. I can pick a point to be down about anything. I think negative thoughts about anything and everything. Nothing is ever good enough for me. This is all probably due to my past. I feel like the past is catching up to me when it isn't but I cant bring myself to move away from my past. Things have been tough, very tough such as financial states, friendships, Confidence and the list goes on.

As it goes, my friends have moved into different directions. My closest friend has gone into modelling, my other close friend is going into the stage that I was in a few years ago drinking being overly confident in themselves and getting into the wrong crowd. Since I fell pregnant, my friends decided to dissapear and leave me to it when they had said they would be there for me. When I had a miscarriage, no one was there for me.  None of them at all. Only my Mum and Boyfriend. It seems as if I have lost all of my confidence, I never see any good in anything anymore. I'm still very highly depressed about the loss and I just don't know what to think about things anymore like I used to. I was so so happy when I was pregnant. Everything seemed to be on the right track. Much much better than it is now. I miss my friends, I miss my family and when my boyfriend isnt around I just feel so lost and alone. I have a very close relationship with my mum but she can't help me realy, no one can. I've got to the stage when I need to go get help but I can't bring myself to face it to get help just like when I was too scared to get help about my OCD. I don't have a Dad and my grandparents are having troubles apparently and I haven't seen them in months. I haven't seen someone who helped me more than anything in the world for a while due to leaving a certain place. I was so so happy when I was around people like that. I miss acting more than anything.
Having no job, no friends and the rest of it all is just realy getting on top of me. I try to make friends but they all just seem the same old pricks as usual. I just need help and can't bring myself to do it to be honest. My heads just a bit fucked up.

On top of that, me and Elliott made some blue cakes all week to keep myself motivated and happy which helped but then it's the case of worrying about my weight but he said fuck it and eat it so I did and I felt alot better. They were flippin top they were!

1 comment:

  1. Oh Sophie, I can fully understand what you are talking about.
    I know those negative thoughts. You just think them and cannot stop. You try to find the meaning of life, the purpose of everything, don´t you?
    My biggest dream is to get married and become a mommy, I´ve been waiting for 4 years now.
    I am holding out hope to get married in only one year and I thought it would be certain for us - I was so so happy.
    Today he met a policeman and talked to him and now he is thinking about applying for an apprenticeship as a policeman.
    So I do not know if we are going to marry next year and I hate this - I hate to not know anything exactly. I need to plan, I can´t be in that abeyance :(
    I can´t hear myself think :(

    So I really know about that depressed feelings you have...